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3 Inches Of Blood: Battlecry under a wintersun
09/08/11 || revenant
3 inches of cock. There, I said it. Let’s get all the childish giggling out up front shall we?
There, ready now? Ha ha, come to think of it, that is pretty funny. 3 inches of cock. Cock. Haha, that’s such a fun word to say. Honestly, what did they think when they came up with that name?
When I first learned of 3IOB (around the time of the release of their second album) they had already attracted the reputation of being a joke band in the metal community. Mentioning them in passing to a non-fan I was usually met with derisive comments that insinuated 3IOB were not a band ever to be taken seriously. It’s a reputation the band earned early and have yet to shake, and listening to their debut album it’s no surprise that many people feel this way.
Ok, let’s waste time but get straight into it. Here’s five reasons why this band is an utter fucking joke:
1. The band’s name is stupid. Has anyone ever not made fun of this? Here’s a quick list of things you can have 3 inches of: cock, shit, penetration, vagina blood, and floppy disk (no wait, that was three and a half). The fact is the name is silly and easy to make fun of.
2. Stupid song titles and lyrics. Now I know a lot of bands follow the fantasy theme for lyrical content, but very few do it with the simple minded idiocy of 3IOB. Ever hear the story behind the song “Wykydtron” (from “Advance and Vanquish”)? The name “Wykydtron” came from a piece of grafitti on a toilet door. They liked the name sooooo much they did the only logical thing: made up a story about a robot called Wykydtron come to destroy earth. Wow. Then there’s the chorus from the album closer from this record:
“You’ve got balls of ice
Running through your veins
Balls of ice
You’re gonna go insane”
I’m not even going to try to make sense of that. Balls of ice in your veins? Seriously? It makes the lyrics to “Destroy the orcs” look well considered.
3. Their sound is a complete rip off. Galloping beats and dual melodic leads sound familiar to anyone? It has to be said, their influences are far more obvious here than any of their other works, particularly the opening track, which may as well have been a Maiden cover for all the hero worship they put in it.
4. Cam Pipes’ ridiculous falsetto vocals. They’re just silly and over the top. People rave… why? I swear I will punch the next person who compares them to Rob Halford’s.
5. They received a lot of hype early in their career. Yep, that’d do it all right. A band on the surface appearing to be very silly being called the next big thing is bound to attract a lot of negativity, particularly from those who take their music seriously.
But wait, a quick scroll down to the score will reveal I’m not just here to trash this band. 3IOB do have a few things going for them. Their music, for one thing, is incredibly fucking catchy. That “Balls of Ice” song being a prime example. Embarrassing as it it, you can’t help but sing along with that one. The second vocalist, who provides banshee shrieks, also adds some added depth taking the weight of the falsetto vocal performance. There is also a lot of energy in the band and, despite the silliness with vocals and lyrics, it’s downright fun to listen to. And that, essentially, is the core of it: fun. Really, what more do they need to deliver? Music is a form of entertainment, and that’s what they provide. Sadly, as mentioned in point 5, there are people who take their music way too seriously, can’t enjoy a band for fun’s sake. It’s these elitists who deride 3IOB the most. Too bad for them.
“Battlecry Under a Wintersun” (yes, wintersun is one word, no need to keep underlining it Microsoft Word, I know they fucked that up), while entertaining and amusing, doesn’t come close to hitting the highs their next two albums, Advance and Vanquish and Fire Up the Blades, did. “Battlecry etc” suffers from weaker production, sounds more like a rip-off than an original album, has more basic songwriting and in general it is far less catchy and memorable than their two follow ups. It’s not a complete waste of time, and I’d rate it better than their most recent effort, but it’s something that fans only need to pursue and purchase. For everyone else… well, you have probably already made up your mind about this band, agree that they are a joke and have probably not read this piece anyway, so fuck you all.
- Information
- Released: 2002
- Label: Teenage Rampage
- Website: 3IOB MySpace
- Band
- Cam Pipes: falsetto vocals
- Jamie Hooper: screaming vocals
- Sunny Dhak: guitars
- Bobby Froese: guitars
- Rich Trawick: bass
- Geoff Trawick: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Ride Darkhorse Ride
- 02. Destroy The Orcs
- 03. Headwaters Of The River Of Blood
- 04. Heir To The Chaos Throne
- 05. Skeletal Onslaught
- 06. Journey To The Promiseland
- 07. Lady Deathwish
- 08. Curse Of The Lighthouse Keeper
- 09. Blazing Fires Of Evermore
- 10. Hall Of Heroes
- 11. Balls Of Ice
